A For Alex

Planning for me is something of a compulsion; there’s a definite appeal in drawing up list after to-do list to firstly, get your life in order and make sure things gets done, and secondly, because nothing quite beats the satisfaction of checking off the box next to the item on your list. Then when you’re done with your list, you can sit back contentedly, admire the check marks and grin to yourself. Haha.

This pre-work break I’ve already drawn up lists for music to buy, places I want to travel to, people I want to meet, as well as the unfortunately necessary lists of what to study for CFA this week and the next 20+ weeks to come. *sob. My list-making talents have even been called upon by my cousin, who now has a complete study plan from this week until the prelims in Aug/Sept, complete with cross referencing between lists of what needs to be covered, when she’ll cover them and when she’ll take her breaks.

It’s funny that while I see the need for discipline in life and having things under control, I also appreciate the thrill of spontaneity, to chuck everything and just do something unplanned. Routine can be comforting, like knowing that you’ll see your bf/gf every Friday because there’s that certainty that somethings don’t change or that a meet-up with him/her goes without saying; but at the same time, I’ve wished for someone to place the demands and rigour of what needs to be done aside, to make me place all of my stuff aside and whisk me off to have an unplanned, unscheduled, totally impromptu rendezvous together. Haha maybe that’s something hopelessly romantic in theory, but in practice I’d probably be slightly annoyed that he didn’t consider my busy schedule.

This conflict between doing what I need to and what I want to probably isn’t going to end, but I’m trying to learn to be more flexible. Travelling to NY was good practice because I spent hours planning what I’d like to see and eat, and yet when I was there, because we’re in a group, I had to remind myself that this was after all a holiday, not some fulfilment of yet another checklist, let go of the plans and see where the wind takes you. As in many areas of my life, I’m still work-in-progress but I’ll try to be more easy-going and allow myself some deviation from plan. I’ll put that as the first item on my to-do list.