A For Alex

the truth is.. there’s nothing as precious to me as knowing You. The things of this world grow strangely dim, and I pray they’ll grow increasingly dim as I seek more of You.

I’m a mere jar of clay - fallible, imperfect - but in Your grace, You use me and make me Your servant. Thank You for You, for Your perfect love that comes to me though I’m wholly undeserving of Your love and though You were wholly undeserving of death on a Cross. My life is Yours and I love You.

In anticipation of the Easter service this Sunday where we’ll be praying for healing for the sick, I was reading Jack Deere’s Surprised by the Power of the Holy Spirit. It was good to read from God’s word how He healed and how He continues to heal even in the present day. I think the book was particularly helpful cos it helped to clarify how faith comes into the equation.

I always had this notion that faith when praying for people meant that you had to think of the healing as a certainty in order for it to really happen - and if the person isn’t healed, it’s because we weren’t able to rid ourselves of every sliver of doubt. But the book says that our faith is not in that the person will definitely be healed, but rather, our faith is in God’s ability to heal. Whether He heals or not is a matter of "if He is willing", as well as the degree of our faith in His abilities, whether we are worshipping things other than Him, whether we limit what God can do.

I struggle with the question about why God doesn’t heal sometimes especially when we know that He is a loving Father… but I realise the thing to remember is that God is sovereign, His ways are not our ways. Much like how when I was praying for a job, yes, I can pray specifically for a particular job/outcome, but ultimately my attitude has to be one of surrender to His will, that no matter the outcome I will praise God that He is good. All things work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) but we aren’t always able to see from the same perspective as Him about what is good for us. Much like how parents would not give their children anything and everything that their children ask for, because there are lessons to be learnt in patience, self-control, trust and these lessons are ultimately for their children’s good, I believe that in the same way, God is able to give us anything and everything that we ask for, but whether these things are what is good for us is another thing altogether. He does not withhold any good thing from us, and we just need to trust that He will give us the best thing for us, regardless of how we define "best".

Alex the dismally erratic blogger is back.

i’m glad for friends. not that anything earth shattering has happened lately, but it’s nice to have people who cheer you on and feel genuinely happy when you’re doing well. in the past few months, i realise the importance of having people to share your life with, to share every high and low, someone to call when something great or disastrous happens, just to have someone know and to have that someone to care. someone to give a shit about you. i thought that i lost someone who really cared for me, but through it, i realise that i’ve got so many more people who care too. in particular, i’m really so thankful for auntie em. our relationship is finally transitioning from the rough times during my teens into a friendship and i’m happy to go home and know that she’s going to want to hear what i have to say.

thank God that He hears me always, and also, for my job. Whenever i think about the position i’m just so overwhelmed about how in every way possible, much like if i had a checklist, the job He’s blessed me with meets every requirement. it’s not that i didn’t believe that He would provide, but i’m still appreciative of His faithfulness and provision. He loves me so well. really do want to work on my relationship with Him, that beyond all the things that He blesses me with, I want to seek Him for Him.

..has been a little rough. Going through a number of challenges in various fronts but I think the common theme through it all, in the 27 days of 2007 that have past, is learning how to trust God. I talk about my security and significance coming only from God, and now is the time to demonstrate that that truly is the case.

I’m thankful for family and friends who’ve been supportive and have met up with me in the past week; meeting all of you has been really really nice… to finally have the time to sit down and talk to people since I’ve returned from China. I thank God for His love, His presence and His reassurance through this time; I’ve heard Him more clearly than I’ve ever heard Him before and I’m drawing strength from Him now, and surely will continue to do so in the days ahead. If going through these experiences makes me closer to God, I’m thankful for these experiences as well.

Trusting in God isn’t about praying that He will answer all my prayers with whatever I want, but handing Him all my hopes, desires and emotions and believing with faith that everything will be for my good - not necessarily that everything will turn out good. It’s a lesson I’ve known with my head, now I’m trying to live it with my heart.

I’ve met people from all over here, and it’s funny how things pan out. First impressions can be wholly unreliable, but for each disappointment in finding out someone isn’t as nice as you think, thankfully there has been the joy in discovering a connection with the least likely people.

Instead of bitching about my grievances (haha), I’m thankful for the people that God has brought my way…

It’s been 2 months in Wuhan!!

I haven’t been updating cos I went along with my church friend on her trip back home. She lives in a town called Huang Shi, or Yellow Stone, about 2 hours away from Wuhan. It was a good trip, because it gave me the chance to see how people live. Yeah, there are a few inconveniences like no water after 7pm and no street lights, but really it was comfortable and the warm hospitality certainly smoothed over any bumps.

We visited the town’s lake, the highlight of which was finding this stall where you get into a plastic bubble, they blow it up and you can walk on the water (technically)! Haha, technically because it only took a few steps before we lost balance and collapsed in fits of laughter.

I got to meet most of her family members and they were all very nice and welcoming. Her grand-dad cooked up a feast and watching them tuck in and joke with each other made me miss home, family and weekend dinners together. I took a family portrait for them and another one with just the adult ladies cos three of them look so uncannily alike!

We also took a hike and climbed up what seemed to be 60 degree steep hills to get to this cave with stalactite formations. The colourful lighting made it a little weird and creepy - I didn’t want to think about what would happen if I got lost! My favourite hands down was the formation that you could hit musical notes on!

I think in all, the trip reminded me of something that I had been thinking about, that God has been speaking to me about. How much money you have really isn’t the most important thing; so many other things that we regard as important are really not that important after all. It’s so easy to get caught up with this world and what everyone tells you you should want and chase after, that I’m thankful for these timely reminders from God and just pray that I will be able to live accordingly.  

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

More pictures here

I was walking to the supermarket to get some stuff today and on the way there saw this guy, around my age, writing on the ground with chalk: Pleading urgently for 10RMB to eat food and take a bus to XYZ. And I thought to myself, how genuine is his plea when he came prepared with a piece of chalk?? Who goes around with a piece of chalk in their bag?

So anyway, went on, did my grocery shopping. And on the walk back along that same street, I was thinking to myself, Oh how I miss the nice food in Singapore. Next time when I have a job, I will set aside some money every month and try nice new eating places… all the while feeling very happy with myself. Then, I heard God say, "What’s important?" That thought just popped into mind and I was chewing on that when I saw the guy again, almost 2 hours later, still sitting at that same spot very forlornly.

I walked on for 20m, all the while wrestling with thoughts about whether to give him the money. 10RMB isn’t a lot, but what if he’s a cheat? He seemed all prepared right? But then I remembered what Pastor Eugene said once, that he’d rather run the risk of getting cheated and appear a fool, than to let his heart grow cold and hardened when God prompts him. And so, I turned back and walked to where he sat.

I gave him the 10RMB and he just continued sitting there. So I asked, why aren’t you going, now that you have the money? He said that the money is only enough for food, not for the bus ride. So I replied, then it’s not very accurate for you to write 10RMB when you actually need more… How many people have given you 10RMB already? He said none. And in true Chinese fashion, a bunch of people had stopped to look at me and him having this conversation. One passerby doubted that he was from XYZ… I just walked away as he continued sitting there, as the crowd thinned.

I don’t know whether he was a fake or genuinely needed the money. But well, it was an opportunity to show somebody some kindness, in a country where kindness is hard to find. And when I thought about the incident, God reminded me that what’s important is that I listened and obeyed… not because I am naturally good and kind and compassionate, but because He enabled me to be.

I’ve been doing some thinking and praying about what I should do upon graduation… Right now, I’m caught up in the throes of job applications - endless form-filling and cover letter writing and facing all the uncertainty about what I want, and more importantly, what God wants. My ego was also a little bruised when I got rejected by a company 12 hours after applying - almost like it was no-brainer not to hire me.

Definitely I want to be happy, want to have lots of money to do all the shopping and travelling I’d like, have a glam job that people will look at me and think, "wah, alex so pro." (haha) but really, would all that truly satisfy? Just like I heard on last week’s FCBC sermon, Lot had a choice of where to settle his people: in Canaan where there was famine or along the Jordan, a land of plenty but with evil people. He chose what appeared good and it worked out to his downfall. I don’t want that for myself, to choose according to practicalities and what appeals to me, when I should be choosing with God, who knows what’s best for me in a complete sense, and who knows the future!

My wishlist for my job doesn’t go away but even if I don’t get that, I want to be joyful that I’m walking in God’s will. God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me and I trust that promise, I trust Him and I’m not going to worry or be anxious!