On another note, it’s ironic that I’ll be travelling for fun more now than when I was in school. I’m going Hong Kong next month, probable KL trip with my colleagues, Hanoi with Shu and Japan/India in December. Whee! All this travelling with only 7.5 days of leave. I’m good.

This pre-work break I’ve already drawn up lists for music to buy, places I want to travel to, people I want to meet, as well as the unfortunately necessary lists of what to study for CFA this week and the next 20+ weeks to come. *sob. My list-making talents have even been called upon by my cousin, who now has a complete study plan from this week until the prelims in Aug/Sept, complete with cross referencing between lists of what needs to be covered, when she’ll cover them and when she’ll take her breaks.

It’s funny that while I see the need for discipline in life and having things under control, I also appreciate the thrill of spontaneity, to chuck everything and just do something unplanned. Routine can be comforting, like knowing that you’ll see your bf/gf every Friday because there’s that certainty that somethings don’t change or that a meet-up with him/her goes without saying; but at the same time, I’ve wished for someone to place the demands and rigour of what needs to be done aside, to make me place all of my stuff aside and whisk me off to have an unplanned, unscheduled, totally impromptu rendezvous together. Haha maybe that’s something hopelessly romantic in theory, but in practice I’d probably be slightly annoyed that he didn’t consider my busy schedule.

This conflict between doing what I need to and what I want to probably isn’t going to end, but I’m trying to learn to be more flexible. Travelling to NY was good practice because I spent hours planning what I’d like to see and eat, and yet when I was there, because we’re in a group, I had to remind myself that this was after all a holiday, not some fulfilment of yet another checklist, let go of the plans and see where the wind takes you. As in many areas of my life, I’m still work-in-progress but I’ll try to be more easy-going and allow myself some deviation from plan. I’ll put that as the first item on my to-do list.

Sounds so romantic and at first thought, it’d be nice to find someone who thinks the world of me and puts me on a pedestal above other mere mortals. But I remembered a conversation I had with a friend, about this guy who thinks I’m the perfect woman…  I’d rather have someone who sees my imperfections but loves me all the same, instead of imagining perfection and ending up sorely disappointed.

I’m a mere jar of clay - fallible, imperfect - but in Your grace, You use me and make me Your servant. Thank You for You, for Your perfect love that comes to me though I’m wholly undeserving of Your love and though You were wholly undeserving of death on a Cross. My life is Yours and I love You.

I always had this notion that faith when praying for people meant that you had to think of the healing as a certainty in order for it to really happen - and if the person isn’t healed, it’s because we weren’t able to rid ourselves of every sliver of doubt. But the book says that our faith is not in that the person will definitely be healed, but rather, our faith is in God’s ability to heal. Whether He heals or not is a matter of "if He is willing", as well as the degree of our faith in His abilities, whether we are worshipping things other than Him, whether we limit what God can do.

I struggle with the question about why God doesn’t heal sometimes especially when we know that He is a loving Father… but I realise the thing to remember is that God is sovereign, His ways are not our ways. Much like how when I was praying for a job, yes, I can pray specifically for a particular job/outcome, but ultimately my attitude has to be one of surrender to His will, that no matter the outcome I will praise God that He is good. All things work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) but we aren’t always able to see from the same perspective as Him about what is good for us. Much like how parents would not give their children anything and everything that their children ask for, because there are lessons to be learnt in patience, self-control, trust and these lessons are ultimately for their children’s good, I believe that in the same way, God is able to give us anything and everything that we ask for, but whether these things are what is good for us is another thing altogether. He does not withhold any good thing from us, and we just need to trust that He will give us the best thing for us, regardless of how we define "best".

the melancholy nearly got to me when my strategy professor was so sweet and wrapped up the class and course yesterday by saying best of luck to all of us and that she hopes we can stay in touch. had my last project presentation in school and while we totally kicked ass, the overwhelming "last-ness" of everything pervaded. i think it’s also because you end with such little fanfare when it seems that the last day of school deserves more. the melancholy faded when i went for a beer with two of my marketing group mates at school’s ice cold beer cos i got giggly with the alcohol haha. it was nice chilling the afternoon away with friends…

white elephants make for interesting dinners.